How To Ask For Divorce

It’s time. You’ve tried everything; counselors, retreats, every trick, tool, or suggestion you can get your hands on. But nothing works. Nothing can possibly fix your marriage. You need to move on, for yourself, for your kids, your friends, your peace of mind, and probably even your spouse.

Then there’s the big looming question you need to answer: How do I ask for divorce?

Is There a Good Way To Ask for Divorce?

This is a hard conversation, and not one anybody wants to have.

You probably want the result, which should leave you in a better place. (That’s the goal, right?) But by the time you get to this point, it’s more of a necessity than a desire. Whatever the situation, most people don’t look forward to this particular talk.

Still, it’s an important conversation to have. It’s the first step towards a new life. Hopefully, an improved one.

This is an emotional moment, and not one to take lightly or approach with reckless abandon. Divorce changes your entire life; where you live, how often you see your kids, your financial outlook, and more.

How you ask for divorce sets the tone for the entire process; the smoother the process, the better.

If you’re ready to ask for a divorce, it’s safe to say your marriage has serious problems. This decision may have been a long time coming. In reality, your spouse likely noticed as well. Or maybe that’s one of the issues.

Even if you’re both on the same page, the first discussion of divorce is often an emotional, volatile moment.

You have a lot to consider. Whether or not things go well or you fight about everything often hinges on this moment.

With that in mind, here are some things to consider when asking for a divorce.

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Don’t Broadcast It First

This should probably go without saying, but the first person who hears about this should be your spouse. Or at least one of the first.

Sure, you’ve bounced the idea off friends, family, and confidants. You may have even made the decision and told a close friend. But there’s a definite line.

Before you take to the social media mountaintop to declare your intentions to the world, you need to tell your spouse.

This isn’t news that should come from a Facebook post or because you had one too many at a party and blabbed all over.

Everyone will find out eventually, but the first people who need to know are the ones directly involved. If not, bitterness and hurt feelings often manifest in the divorce process. You may get friction where you wouldn’t have purely because of spite.

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Timing Is Everything

Timing really is everything. There’s never an ideal moment to ask for divorce. It will never be fun or easy. But consider when and where you bring up the subject.

Do it in person. This isn’t a conversation you have over email or text message. (Though in certain countries, you can divorce via text.) Don’t have a third party deliver the message. You need to be face-to-face for this one if possible. Unless, of course, your safety is an issue.

You may want to have your say and leave, but it’s also key to let your spouse have a turn. Most of the time, plan for a lengthy conversation. You may talk about your relationship, you may talk about the next steps, but odds are, there’s a great deal to discuss.

Pick a moment when neither of you has plans immediately after. Give yourself the necessary time and space. If you have kids, send them to your parents’ or a friend’s house. Telling them is a whole different conversation. Create the room to have a serious, in-depth talk free from interruptions.

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Prepare for the Worst

Do you expect screaming? Will things be thrown? Is there the potential for physical violence?

Are these extreme responses? Yes. But there almost certainly will be a reaction when you ask for divorce.

After being married, you know your spouse as well as anyone. You can likely anticipate the reaction.

• Will your request meet with a shocked cry or a shrug?
• Are you on the same page and both saw this coming?
• Will this lead to a shouting match or a quiet conversation?

Even if you think you know what to expect, prepare for surprises. This represents a hugely emotional event, and people don’t always act as you expect them to.

Honestly, what reaction you expect may play into how you approach the when and where of the conversation.

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Shut The Door When You Ask For Divorce

If you’ve made up your mind, if you’re 100% ironclad certain that ending your marriage is the right choice, the only choice, shut the door.

Broaching the subject of divorce is one thing. When you have ongoing problems, you may discuss it as an option or potential avenue. That’s often part of trying to repair a damaged relationship. Therapy, counseling, support groups, and many other tools exist if you still think you can save your union.

But if not, if there’s no hope of reconciliation, be direct and firm.

Be decisive and don’t leave vague possibilities dangling in the wind. In reality, you don’t ask for divorce. State definitively that you want to end the marriage. You don’t have to be mean about it, but don’t leave any doubt.

Related Reading: What if Your Ex Won’t Follow the Divorce Agreement?

Back to the Future

You probably don’t want to talk specifics as soon as you ask for a divorce, but it’s not a bad idea to consider what comes next. In most cases, you’ll need space to breathe and muddle through. But it’s also a good time to take stock of your situation.

Collect all the information you can about your shared finances.  Consider what you want and need out of the divorce settlement.

• Where do you have money?
• Where do you owe?
• What assets do you have to divide?
• Do you want the house?
• Do you want the car?
• This has a huge impact on your financial future.

If you have kids, think about child custody and what you want the parenting plan to look like. Do you want the most overnights, or is being a weekend parent the best fit for everyone? This is just the beginning of a long process.

You’ll ultimately have to gather documents, assess your finances, and plan for the future.

But while you may not need a step-by-step strategy at this exact moment, give it some thought. At the very least, have a good overall picture of your situation. It’s also a perfect time to consider hiring a divorce lawyer. That’s a process unto itself.

Related Reading: How Are Assets, Property, and Debt Divided in Washington State?

Asking for Divorce is A Tough Talk

It’s not easy or pleasant to ask for divorce and you’re probably in for a tough talk.

By the time you get here, it’s probably a necessity, even a relief, but that doesn’t make it fun. Consider the impact this conversation will have. Even if it’s clear as day, this may still come as a shock. Think about what you say, when and where, and how you say it.

This is a hard decision, probably one of the most difficult you’ll ever make. But if it truly is the right choice, it’s likely best for both of you.

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